OK, so you love him, he loves you and everything's great... In fact, you love him so much, you want to know everything about him - from his deepest thoughts on life to what he had for lunch. And why not? There's nothing wrong with being interested. In fact, you're so interested, you're happy to spend all your time with him. After all, who needs other people when you've got each other? You don't need your friends or interests any more, and there's no doubt in your mind that, now he's got you, he doesn't need his either.
Being in a relationship where you go out of your way to sacrifice your own needs for those of your boyfriend's is unhealthy to say the least. When you start trying to run his life according to what you think is best for him, it's positively dangerous: by doing that, you run the risk of metamorphosising from a lover into a smotherer.
There's a basic difference between the two and it's as simple as this: loving is unselfish and smothering is completely selfish. When you love a man, you want what's best for him; when you smother him, you give your all in the hope that he'll give his all in return. You give, give, give and expect to get, get, get. But getting doesn't always follow giving, and assuming that he'll reciprocate doesn't necessarily mean that he will. In fact, he may feel too overwhelmed to respond. And even when you see him kicking and struggling, you blank out those obvious signals, thinking that what you're doing is all for the best - for both of you.
It's hard to believe that you can love someone too much. When you give him everything - your time, your attention and your love - how could he not love it. And he does love it... doesn't he?
But Men Like Lots Of Attention, Don't They?
Psychologist, Dr. Maryon Tysoe says: "Sometimes, if smothering involves being maternal, some men might like it. But it all depends on his personality. Another man might go crazy if his girlfriend attempted to mother - or smother him!"
Chances are, your man will be flattered by a bit of smothering... at first. He'll let you take all responsibility for the relationship and he will positively bathe in the warmth of your overwhelming and unceasing love. Initially, there's not much chance of frightening him away because, for a while, being looked after and adored is great - who can deny that? But when he starts comparing his relationship to that of his friends, the claustrophobia sets in and he'll really start resenting it.
"He might feel that any sort of smothering is putting a restriction on his life," says Dr. Tysoe.
As a result, your behaviour may make him realise that you're not the girl for him. Or, if he honestly wants the relationship to work out, he'll try to discuss the situation with you, telling you how he feels and asking you for (or demanding) some personal space - something you may have robbed him of.
Why Smother?
There are a whole variety of reasons why some women emotionally smother the man they love.
* Being insecure about yourself or the relationship, for instance, could cause you to cling to your man. Clinging often leads to smothering.
* You may, of course, be a naturally overwhelming person - and there's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you like to conduct affairs of the heart on a grand scale and voice your passion regularly, forvefully and loudly... fine. But it's when you start using your natural intensity to manipulate your boyfriend into someone who suits your own personal needs, that things start to go wrong: before you know it, you've become a smotherer.
* Then there's the girl who deliberately smothers her partner. She may have from some deep-seated hatred of men in general or may simply not like her boyfriend very much - whatever the reason, she wants him to suffer. She doesn't often realise what she's doing, or if she does, why she's doing what she's doing. But by smothering him with "love" she ultimately emasculates him, by forcing him into a situation from which he finds it hard to escape, and thereby making him become the wimp she expects him to be or believes he is. By doing this, she perpetuates her rather distorted view of men or of him.
* If you're suffering from low self-esteem and feel it's your role to placate your boyfriend in order to stop him from leaving you, you may resort to "smother love."
