Time Wasted

Sometimes I find myself alone just staring at the wall or zoning off into another life. This is not because I wish to be anyone else. I would never trade my experiences with anyone because they have made me the person I am today. I do this because sometimes it is easier to just escape the life you live just for a little while; long enough to have a few moments of ignorance and peace. Sometimes the world around you can get to your inner core and eat at you. I have had people call me angry and I have had people call me bitter. I guess what they say is partially true because I am still in the process of forgiving and letting go of hurt. Mister Rogers once said that “You can’t be expected to leave the unhappy and angry parts of your self at the door before coming in. You should feel that you can bring your whole self to the people who care about you.” I believe this to be completely true. The people who truly care about you will accept even the parts of your life that you yourself wish to forget. This year I’ve finally found a group of people who have accepted me the way I simply am. They know who they are and I am so incredibly thankful for each one of them. However, this year I have also been completely disrespected and fooled by a few individuals. I used to get angry at myself for letting my guard down and getting hurt the way I did….but then I realized its human nature to want to trust people and believe that someone cares about you or loves you. Growing up I was denied these comforts.

My life, ever since I can remember, has been a lot more painful than I’ve recently discovered it should be. While my world has been incredibly chaotic it has been redundant in the same sense. I give out my trust to only have it thrown back in my face in the form of either the most hurtful words or violent actions against me or the ones I love. I often feel guilty for not being thankful for the life that I was given. I know that many other people had it so much worse than me. Still, it was very hard to not have a sanctuary; a place where I could escape from anything that could hurt me. One of my old boyfriends, Michael, used to give me a place to go when things got really bad at home…but everyone has their limits and eventually my chaotic world was too much for him as well. This may explain why, sometimes, a person can end up looking for love in the wrong places. In a desperate attempt to find a safe place to belong or a place where you are wanted, you may lose yourself and end up settling for much less than you really deserve. I recently read in one of my favorite books that “life is too short to waste a single second with anyone who doesn’t appreciate and value you.” When I read this the reality of how much time I’ve been wasting hit me. If a person says they love me, then they need to love every misunderstood, angry part of me as well. Someday I won’t have to be so timid and weary of the world, but for now I’m still healing. A man who loves me should understand this and look past it to see who I really am. If he can not do this then he doesn’t really love me or he isn’t a real man.